Craigslist Is About Drugs

Over and over again I make the mistake of posting an item for sale on Craigslist, an item that I likely want out of my home and am willing to let go either for free or for nearfree in return for having it hastily removed from my personal space.

Over and over again I am contacted about these items, asked for photos, further measurements, the origins of the piece, how the bookcase looks in the amber light of the evening sun, if I have any more of them but slightly less "bookcase"ish, etc. I've spent endless evenings waiting for the "very! interested!!!!" parties to arrive, to no avail. In fact, I officially finished unpacking, a job that has taken me nearly three entire months, while waiting for a very! interested!!!! party to stand me up last night.

You likely know going in that studies have shown at least 74% of the Craigslist community has proven to be either certifiable or illiterate (and of those, 89% are both) and anticipate an abundance of exclaimation points with little or no other punctuation in their emails, possibly even some bones jutting out of their eyes, but did you ever stop to think... why?

And then it occurred to me.

I might think that I'm posting a piece of well cared-for furniture at an unbelievable bargain price to be picked up by those in need and willing to put in light-to-moderate greasing of elbows, but in fact I am actually being a big fat, unhip loser who doesn't (until now) comprehend that Craigslist isn't about the transfer of goods and services at all!

In fact, Criagslist is not about the selling or buying or bartering or hooking up with that-chick-in-the-red-skirt who you thought was looking at you but really only had a fleck of shit in her eye. It's not about any of those things that I, and maybe you, have been led to believe. Brace yourself for this one; Craigslist is about drugs! It's an undercover underground subculture of drug fiends!

That's right. You heard it here first. Beelog's first undercover exclusive report.

Overwhelming evidence has been compiled to support the Craigslist Is About Drugs theory. How else can you explain that after every three email thread, the very! interested!!!! party will ask for directions (sometimes even call) and then never appear. They never, ever appear.

Ending a transaction in this matter would never be socially acceptable in person or on the phone, but regarding Craigslist emails it's par for the crackhead course. It's become clear to me now that this happens because once the potential buyer realizes that you really are some loser trying to sell furniture, and not a "mission buffet table" of H, they bail.

They're too busy pretending to be your friend for three, and exactly three, emails because that the exact amount of time much time as it takes for them to ensure that "17 inches x 13 inches x 79 inches" is the height of an actual bookcase, and not Craigslistian lingo for "enough coke to keep L. Lo on set for three weeks in a row".

This also explains why they never, ever write anything back to the effect of "no thanks, that's not really what I'm looking for". They just take your new found friendship and your Sunday afternoon, dash your hopes and dreams and *poof* disappear. Probably off to inquire about another "Ultimate Training" listing, or maybe to a crack den or a BabyShambles concert.

Meanwhile, goodwill doesn't seem to want to come and get my extraneous furniture either. I wonder what they have against drugs.