Monday, March 26

Craigslist Is About Drugs

Over and over again I make the mistake of posting an item for sale on Craigslist, an item that I likely want out of my home and am willing to let go either for free or for nearfree in return for having it hastily removed from my personal space.

Over and over again I am contacted about these items, asked for photos, further measurements, the origins of the piece, how the bookcase looks in the amber light of the evening sun, if I have any more of them but slightly less "bookcase"ish, etc. I've spent endless evenings waiting for the "very! interested!!!!" parties to arrive, to no avail. In fact, I officially finished unpacking, a job that has taken me nearly three entire months, while waiting for a very! interested!!!! party to stand me up last night.

You likely know going in that studies have shown at least 74% of the Craigslist community has proven to be either certifiable or illiterate (and of those, 89% are both) and anticipate an abundance of exclaimation points with little or no other punctuation in their emails, possibly even some bones jutting out of their eyes, but did you ever stop to think... why?

And then it occurred to me.

I might think that I'm posting a piece of well cared-for furniture at an unbelievable bargain price to be picked up by those in need and willing to put in light-to-moderate greasing of elbows, but in fact I am actually being a big fat, unhip loser who doesn't (until now) comprehend that Craigslist isn't about the transfer of goods and services at all!

In fact, Criagslist is not about the selling or buying or bartering or hooking up with that-chick-in-the-red-skirt who you thought was looking at you but really only had a fleck of shit in her eye. It's not about any of those things that I, and maybe you, have been led to believe. Brace yourself for this one; Craigslist is about drugs! It's an undercover underground subculture of drug fiends!

That's right. You heard it here first. Beelog's first undercover exclusive report.

Overwhelming evidence has been compiled to support the Craigslist Is About Drugs theory. How else can you explain that after every three email thread, the very! interested!!!! party will ask for directions (sometimes even call) and then never appear. They never, ever appear.

Ending a transaction in this matter would never be socially acceptable in person or on the phone, but regarding Craigslist emails it's par for the crackhead course. It's become clear to me now that this happens because once the potential buyer realizes that you really are some loser trying to sell furniture, and not a "mission buffet table" of H, they bail.

They're too busy pretending to be your friend for three, and exactly three, emails because that the exact amount of time much time as it takes for them to ensure that "17 inches x 13 inches x 79 inches" is the height of an actual bookcase, and not Craigslistian lingo for "enough coke to keep L. Lo on set for three weeks in a row".

This also explains why they never, ever write anything back to the effect of "no thanks, that's not really what I'm looking for". They just take your new found friendship and your Sunday afternoon, dash your hopes and dreams and *poof* disappear. Probably off to inquire about another "Ultimate Training" listing, or maybe to a crack den or a BabyShambles concert.

Meanwhile, goodwill doesn't seem to want to come and get my extraneous furniture either. I wonder what they have against drugs.


haveyouseenlucky said...

I was just at the goodwill place last weekend, you don't want those people coming to your house. They smell like grandma x 100. Which is probably why they don't like the drugs, they get theirs in paper cups.

E :) said...

Oh my. I feel your pain. I ended up having to dump my damn furniture at the last minute before I hopped on a plane back to Australia. Totally sucks.

Scott said...

this is why I require, in my CL posts that those who respond must include a phone number (local) or else I delete this message. Because, I really got tired of trying to explain to Punani Sodeep that I wasn't shipping a cell phone to Bangalore and I was, in absolutely no circumstances, interested in the inheritance to the Prince of Nigeria.


Though my fav. moment was when i got a response from a friend of mine to buy something off of me (who didn't know it was me). To which, I responded "dude, come over and hang out!" (then the drugs come into play...)

kris said...

I don't care if it is about drugs. I'm just psyched that there are people THAT ridiculous, THAT STUPID, that will post those casual encounters ads. WITH PHOTOS! Holy crow. Hours of fun, I tell you. Hourrrrs.

Deatoni said...

Holy crap K you need to tell me what exact words youre posting to get drugs. Not that i need them...its just that i really like them

p.s. i like your new icon

honeykbee said...

Sorry, my little methed out petunias, I don't know how to get drugs. I only know how to not sell furniture.

DaGince said...

You ever gonna explain your UFO picture to the people or is that just more lingo for the drugs you're NOT selling on CL? make me sick!...oh and I have some "shrinky dinks" for K for times and dates.

themikestand said...

I have only two things to say:
1. I'm glad I can't peruse CL from work these days. Blessing in disguise, I tellya.
2. You should totally post this to Indie Bloggers (hint, hint, wink, wink). This is great!

-the Indie Blogger Content Hunter