Monday, February 5

Alternative Lifestyle

In the beginning, there were videos.

Endless videos. Stacks and stacks and stacks of VHS videos. Videos as far as the eye could see. Videos that, according to Fat Al, had to be inventoried, stocked, and tilted ever-so-slightly on dusted shelves.

From Caligula to Reversal of Fortune to Edward Penishands, it was I who was charged with tending the videos --most of which I was far too young to legally view.

For an entire summer I scrubbed those shelves while getting oogled by gross little old men seeking their pre-internet porn fix. Until, one fine day, a little dwarflike colleague of mine who wore her name on a chain in thick, loopy gold letters around her neck ("BERNADETTE" her collar screamed as if she might forget her name if it were not on fire beneath her nose), accused me of stealing $3 and I was unceremoniously canned by Fat Ralph. Which was fine. Because I had bigger and better things to tend to.

Admittedly, from there, and for years to come, my career experienced an ebb and a flow not unlike that of a hysterical moon.

Until today.

Today I have officially stepped through the looking glass.

Closer than ever to my dream of WFH (working from home), I now type before you as an official member of the AWS (Alternative Work Schedule). For those of you not familiar with the term (*cough* civillians *cough*) AWS means that I just traded my soul and a few hours every day for the privilege of getting every other Friday off of work. Sure, my work days just got longer by a couple of hours and I might never see the sun again (as I'll either be sleeping or working), but I don't care. Let's face it, the hardest part of any day for me is waking up, squeezing into girl clothes, and making it to work before noon. If it were up to me, I'd work two 20hour days in a row and call it a work week. Truly, I would.

You know that feeling that you get when a holiday is approaching? How the air is alive with tingles a good two weeks out just from the thought of an approaching four day work week? How that one little day off can act as your life preserver, an extra flaky buscuit of goodness to look forward to in the forseeable future? THAT'S going to be me tingling the biscuit... EVERY week! HA!

There will be sleeping in. There will be Thursday nights out with the girls. I'll be able to run up to NY and see my family more. What's that? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear? The weekend was just extended by fifty effin percent!!!

Oh and most importantly? Never again will I save a nickle on bulk dental floos by spending an entire Saturday waiting in a Costco line behind 400 people each apparently provisioning for long term trips asea... because I'll have every other Friday off to do so!! WOO HOO!!!


DaGince said...

As a person that does work from home, I can say that the boredom does take over soon after you have exhausted the You Tubes, stumbleupons clicks and shaky bootleg still in theater movies...the upside is noon really should be a week in a week of the water cooler humor and dirty laundry careless live style. Buy hooray for you on the Ctl./Del/Alt Fridays off!

Golightly said...

so jealous! that is awesome.

Rothko10 said...

Congrats! Fridays were always meant to be part of the weekend, in my book.

Oh, and I'm not sure it's wise to admit this on the Internets, but I saw the beginning of Edward Penishands at a party in high-school. This girl, who was a pro at making people uncomfortable, brought it as a joke (I actually think she had a similar job in a video store), and since the party was co-ed, and not really that kind of party, it was kind of strange and awkward at first. But then it turned out to be pretty freakin' hilarious. But still, kinda weird. Definitely not easily forgettable.

haveyouseenlucky said...

You worked at a porn store?

Needtsza said...

I've always enjoyed that about your past. Working in a porn-ish store. The irony or something.

Meanwhile, 100% congrats on AWS!!!!

Best news since, well, ...good shit babe!

carrie m said...

WOO HOO does that sum that up the best!

Sean said...

You might be surprised how crowded Costco can be during the week. Plus, they don't have as many free samples.

Otherwise, congratulations on having Fridays off!

Chief Ninja Monkie said...

Porn store, huh? Interesting...

karla said...

I could never work from home. I'd love to, but I know me--my laziness would win out every day. I'd sit down to work, and then I'd think, "Maybe I should watch TV for just like 5 minutes before I get started," and 3 hours later I'd wake up on the couch. Then I'd start work and think, "Man, I'm hungry. I'll make a sandwich and just watch TV for a few minutes while I eat it." Four hours later I'd wake up on the couch. Etc. I admire people with an actual work ethic, though.