Live and Learn

The last few weeks, maybe even months, have been an interesting time for me. And by "interesting" of course I mean unfuckingsanical. From closing on the condo to remodeling the kitchen, moving and job woes and of course relationship dramas, big and small. I'd like to take a moment to share some things that I have learned in hopes that someone out there may benefit from my misfortunes. Again.

Things I've learned:

• Never ever ever ever throw Q-tips down the toilet. You may think your expensive and shiny new bowl can handle a tiny wooden stick with tiny tufts of fluff. But it cannot.
• Everything in life is going to cost a lot more than you anticipated.
• Everything in life is going to take a lot longer than anticipated.
• Flushing a low-flow toilet four times to get a Q-tip to go down is not a good idea.
  
• No one with long hair had anything to do with the development or forced implementation of low-flow shower heads.
  
• In Contractorian, "one week" means approximately 64 days.
• Its not an "outlet". It's a "receptacle".
• Under no circumstances should any thing with a digestive tract voluntarily consume a Lean Cuisine enchilada.
• The Granite Superglue comes with gloves for a reason. You would be wise to use them.
• My brother would happily sell his soul and yours to occupy the 3W tile in online scrabble.
• A dish left overnight in the sink could very well be the key to all that is wrong in the Universe.
  
• Neither the phone company nor the cable company are extremely concerned with your inconvenience. Your call is not very important to them. They could give a rats ass if you stood by or died of diphtheria.
• Knowing all of the lyrics to Timewarp only makes it worse.
  
• You are more likely to be the victim of a shark attack while sitting on hold at your desk than you are of being able to locate any item using Lowe's Inventory Directory database.
• Piling boxes in a closet does not constitute "unpacking".
  
• The amount of work and overtime you are expected to do is in complete and direct correlation to the likelihood of suffering a debilitating ear infection. Or something ear infectiony that really sucks and hurts and makes you want to sleep and pout a lot.
  
• Taking last years antibiotics will not only greatly anger your ear infectionish thing but will also give you a tummy ache about which to pout.

Something tells me that my learning has only just begun.