Wednesday, January 31

Live and Learn

The last few weeks, maybe even months, have been an interesting time for me. And by "interesting" of course I mean unfuckingsanical. From closing on the condo to remodeling the kitchen, moving and job woes and of course relationship dramas, big and small. I'd like to take a moment to share some things that I have learned in hopes that someone out there may benefit from my misfortunes. Again.

Things I've learned:
  • Never ever ever ever throw Q-tips down the toilet. You may think your expensive and shiny new bowl can handle a tiny wooden stick with tiny tufts of fluff. But it cannot.
  • Everything in life is going to cost a lot more than you anticipated.
  • Everything in life is going to take a lot longer than anticipated.
  • Flushing a low-flow toilet four times to get a Q-tip to go down is not a good idea.
  • No one with long hair had anything to do with the development or forced implementation of low-flow shower heads.
  • In Contractorian, "one week" means approximately 64 days.
  • Its not an "outlet". It's a "receptacle".
  • Under no circumstances should any thing with a digestive tract voluntarily consume a Lean Cuisine enchilada.
  • The Granite Superglue comes with gloves for a reason. You would be wise to use them.
  • My brother would happily sell his soul and yours to occupy the 3W tile in online scrabble.
  • A dish left overnight in the sink could very well be the key to all that is wrong in the Universe.
  • Neither the phone company nor the cable company are extremely concerned with your inconvenience. Your call is not very important to them. They could give a rats ass if you stood by or died of diphtheria.
  • Knowing all of the lyrics to Timewarp only makes it worse.
  • You are more likely to be the victim of a shark attack while sitting on hold at your desk than you are of being able to locate any item using Lowe's Inventory Directory database.
  • Piling boxes in a closet does not constitute "unpacking".
  • The amount of work and overtime you are expected to do is in complete and direct correlation to the likelihood of suffering a debilitating ear infection. Or something ear infectiony that really sucks and hurts and makes you want to sleep and pout a lot.
  • Taking last years antibiotics will not only greatly anger your ear infectionish thing but will also give you a tummy ache about which to pout.
Something tells me that my learning has only just begun.

10 comments:

Needtsza said...

Minding my P's and Q's....."Live is a journey, not a destination"

You'd like to think that the learning has been and will be on-going, no?

Chief Ninja Monkie said...

Is "unfuckingsanical" even a word?

MAD MAC said...

Some other lessons...

Crack Kills...

Wet dirt is mud

Mud is dirty

But Mud wrestling is cool

doyouknowpetecho said...

gee-wilkers, wally, you're a funny, funny, gal. more things to learn:

* you can take those damn pressure-contraptions out of your shower head. I advise you to do this as quickly as possible

* if you think flushing a q-tip down the toilet is bad, i hate to see what happens when ISH is in town...

* and yes, cnk: unfuckingsanical is a mother fucking word, isn't it unbefuckinglievable?

Scott said...

A few other things:

- A butter knife is not to be mistaken for a screwdriver

- Your shoe is not a hammer

- A quiet house to yourself is a wonderful place to masturbate

- Don't leave a dishrag in the dish overnight...they have a tendency to become occupied by some primeval ooze that cannot be destroyed by boiling said dishrag for 2 hours; so, you are better off taking it to a dumpster in a neighboring town or just giving it a name and adopting it as your own. They make boring pets, though (not that I've experienced this..nope..never..)

Verification: qpzrnaee - good name for primeval ooze dishrag

dwb said...

the 3w is key man....sheeit

Needtsza said...

= Duct tape solves all

= and burn any dishtowel that has sat in water more than 2 hours.

Michelle said...

Jonathan Kozol:
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.

BTW, I'm back.

haveyouseenlucky said...

I am the king of literati.

3W means nothing if your opponent can regularly use all their letters.

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