Wednesday, October 18

Give Me Network Access or the Kid Gets It!

An hour into day two and I’m already boreder than a collie. And I’ve got the bad puns to prove it.

There’s only so much rearranging of one’s desktop, both virtual and literal, that one can do. Plus, I’ve already eaten my entire day’s stash of banana muffins (I couldn’t find the banana bread tin but the muffin tins were accessible, hence the muffinage). I ponder-- does my red swingline stapler look better next to the giant monitors taking up half of my desk, or maybe over here by the six foot stack of papers and binders left by the previous resident of my dungeonous cube? Hm. Hard to tell. Close call. Could go either way.

No one knows yet, but I’m leaving work early today. A mere 5.35 hours from now. Shhhh…!

Reasons for my early departure today are threefold, submitted as evidence a, b, and c:

a) Alarming Car Concerns: My parents are on their way down to trade cars with me, in order to have my battery-sucking hypertension causing aftermarket alarm removed. No one down here; not the dealerships, not even the aftermarket alarm specialists, will touch my car. They’re all: “oh no no no no no, you gotta take that thing back to where you bought it”. Then they back away from me, waving their arms, as if both the car and I have some sort of highly contagious flesh eating gonorrhea.

So, back to Brooklyn goes my car. Dysfunctional alarm and all. Likely to get a shot of car penicillin and the whacked out alarm-brain removed. At this point my main concern is that instead of having the intensely annoying DEFCON3 alarm (with 30 second lockdown, regardless of whether you are in the car or not) disassembled, my dad will have it fixed or upgraded or something. To what? Oh, I don’t know, maybe an alarm that doesn’t let you in or out of the car at all. That would probably be the only way to add “security” to my current system.

Worse yet, they could let my brother drive it.

b) Residence Relevance: There’s an increasing likelihood that I may actually make the milestone jump from ghetto renter, to ghetto-elderly condo owner. I’m all starry-eyed about the kitchen construction and B’s done a great job of counting the electrical outlets, but I still need my mommy and daddy to check the place out before I proceed. Natch.

c) Community Service: If I don’t leave early, well, it’s just not good for anyone when I’m this bored all day. The repercussions can be felt far and wide. From unfounded nasty remarks about my brothers’ driving to all-fours hissing at the cat. Surely, the kid who likes to blow a whistle while kicking an empty soda can around the parking lot all afternoon won’t appreciate how my leaving work just a few hours early will likely saved his young life, (or, at the very least, saved him the discomfort of passing a plastic whistle through his intestine) but it just might nonetheless.

5 comments:

dwb said...

historically i would be resentful and defensive about this post, however, given past experience I have accepted the criticism as quite accurate, contructive, and...sigh...appropriate.

btw, I hear the new alarm will be going chugga chugga chuggaa...blip blip

DaGince said...

Now it all make sense..the reason you car has been such a thorn in your side is because you've been treating her like she's from DC...you cant do that..After she comes home from getting worked on from people that really understand her: Just for a week , do this; Every Morning get a bagle with cream chesse put it in the cup holder for a minute or so. 30 seconds after you start driving, roll down your window and flip off a random person for no reason while honking wildy at the truck at the red light 2 streets away...a soild week of that will tell your little L.I.J that you really do love her...problem solved

honeykbee said...

You know something? You're right. Indeed, you're both right.

Scott said...

DaGince: You forgot one critical piece... She's supposed to put her Starbucks cup in her crotch (since the bagel's in the cupholder and her cellphone is her other hand), and then , after slamming on her brakes and swearing at some random bike-messenger, she realizes she has hot coffee crotch, to which she redirects her anger and swearing which ends in her pitching the cup out of the window...

DaGince said...

Honey: I am sorry to inform you that the starcrotch peddle crusher cup toss is covered next years course.

For the 101 class we will be sticking to the basics.

Please remember to register early and payment of the tri-mester is expected in full at the time of registration.

Prof. Dagince
Ext. 333
Office hours
Monday 6:45am to 7:00am