Monday, July 31

Ludicrous Speed!

A Friend in Need + New Tom Petty CD = 6 Hour Spontaneous Goodwill Road Trip

One sure way to ease the pain of being the center of a semi-truck sandwich, forced to tool along at 38mph for over an hour on a one-lane highway, is to pull off the dark, lonely road and acquire some tasty fried chicken. One last, perfectly greasy morsel of gastrointestinal masochism before real life kicks in tomorrow.

One sure fire way to destroy the delicious effects of chomping down on a fresh, hot, crunchy piece of fried chicken is to look up and see police lights in your rear view mirror. Ever notice how those blue and red flashing lights instantaneously suck the joy out of damn near anything?

Apparently, driving slower than I can jog is not mutually exclusive of receiving a speeding ticket in Denton, Maryland. That's right, I got a speeding ticket at 38 miles per hour. Uncanny, no? I know. i wouldn't believe it either if it hadn't happened to me.

To further the irony; earlier in the day, I was a passenger in a car averaging 100mph for at least half of a 3 hour trip around Baltimore, and as you may have guessed, that was a good clip over the posted limits. Meanwhile, my wild chicken chompin' 38mph ride through Denton resulted in no small fine; let's just say I could have instead purchased any of the following:
  • 59 more Chix Dark Meat Combos (though I would no longer recommend purchasing fried anything at a gas station).
  • The Litter Robot I was considering.
  • 2nd row pit seats to Tom Petty at Camden.
  • A new ipod video to replace my MIA mini. With accessories.
  • Three DS lites (with one Big Brain Academy to share).
  • 5.899 tanks of gas.
  • 144 Audi tire jacks.
  • Two nights in a five star hotel with Danny Glover.
  • A large portion of Namibia.

When I first saw the police lights a flashin' a few cars back, I thought,

"poor fool. They weren't warned, as I was, about the speed traps all along this particular stretch of road".

I said a silent prayer for the poor fool and their lack of friends as smart as mine. Then, as the Officer Of The Law (we'll call him COCKSUCKER, for short) crawled further up my tailpipe, I wondered, "did I leave the gas cap open? Something on my roof? How might this gentleman be attempting to protect and/or serve me this fine evening?". I pulled over and he followed. Since I was going slower than a tranquilized retarded sloth, this did not take long.

At this time, officer COCKSUCKER looked me right in the eye and flat out lied; he said "you were going 70 in a 40mph zone". I looked at him with my best "Oh really?" face, thinking "fuck off you lying fucking fuck fucker!" and saying something along the lines of "thank you, officer". May I please have another.

Though we both knew the charge to be more bogus than L.Lo's "heat exhaustion", officer COCKSUCKER walked off and proceeded to write me a big fat ticket without so much as allowing time for an explanation, flashing, and/or waterworks (all of which I was ready and willing to provide in exchange for an unfettered journey). We both knew that the ticket was a farce (end of the month + out of state plates = double jeopardy), but this did not impede officer COCKSUCKERS giving me a lecture on the dangers of speeding. I'm driving like Miss Daisy for 6 hours to rescue a friend due to an accidental finger amputation incident (yep, seriously), and this donut glomming fuzzeater has the audacity to lecture me about speeding?! WHEN I WASN'T!??! Boy is he lucky I'm as relaxed as I am after my extended holiday.

My only comfort is that he will soon be killed and/or rendered impotent by testicular cancer.

ANYhoo... tomorrow is the big day. Day one of New Job. While I'm sure it will be leaps and bounds better than Old Job (hell, it already is), I am still very much dreading the whole Back to Work concept. I could use one more week of freedom. One more week of staying up all night and sleeping till noon. One more week in which I really would get my sock drawer organized. But after that, I'd probably want one more, then one more, then one more, and before you knew it, I'd be impoverished, reading a paperback in my cardboard box livingroom, and blissed out of my skull.

Can't have that.

Whatever will be, will be. There are things I just won't know till I get there, and eventually that's just going to have to compute so I can get some sleep. Much like the first day of first grade, I'll likely be crying for my mommy tomorrow. Stomping my feet and holding my breath. Ok... first through ninth.
Yeah-- that's me. My reluctance to change is a strong one.

Should you see me pop onto IM any time prior to 6pm tomorrow, rejoice.
Rejoice with fervor and great zeal.


Scott said...

If i see you pop on aim before 6, I will assume you decided to visit the doctors' lounge without me.

Needtsza said...

I have no witty comments, just a feeling of "oh shit" with the worry that I feel when you get a new job. "Will she like it? Can she live with the new parameters? Will she remember that they pay her pretty f'n well compared to a teacher?"

All I can say is Good Luck and Thanks for the Fish.


DaGince said...

Ticket: I have given you the tools young Jedi...
I woke up with a fierce nervous belly..sympathy nerves for you perhaps...I just hope you dont encounter another cirucuspeanut.

"Good day & may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your home"

dwb said...

work sucks. glad to have you back among us....lohahahahah

Golightly said...

Good luck and congrats on the new job!

Needtsza said...

and I see a bit of 'old David' has joined us once again

Anonymous said...

'old david' would have had his head too far up his own butt to even know this blog existed