Tuesday, July 4

Independence Day

Picture this, the New American Rockwellian: Two cars entangled in a ghetto-residential parking lot. The mouths of their owners agape as they pull on their hair and inspect the damage to their vehicles. The instigator, a white hatchback ScoobyDoo with a legally blonde driver, covers her pink puffy trout-mouth with cupped palm, as if to say "like, oopsie". The schlamazel, (our hero) bends over the bowling-ball sized dent in her precious, precious fender and her face grows magenta. Sharp lines appear on and jut out about her face, indicative of an anger more Frank Miller than Norman Rockwell. Some jackass from a nearby patio, obstructed by tree branches, calls out a remarkably unhelpful opinion as the drivers, both good and bad alike, exchange information.

Later, at around 3am, this vital contact information would liberate itself from the confines of the newly smashed-in dreamcar and blow onto the Jersey Turnpike, somewhere around Fort Dix.

Even later, said schlamazel's cell phone would make a break for freedom by leaping from her pocket, only to meet its demise in the toilet of the Fishkill Courtyard by Marriott's room 125. Three air bubbles escaped while it was submerged, as if to say "good bye cruel 10,000 text-messages-per-month world!". (Read: If you need me, email's now the only way to go).


While I won't be making any calls nor free of car repair payments for a long, long time, there still remains great hope of celebrating this Independence day by quitting my job; as I've got two solid offers on the table and an interview tomorrow!

Oh, and a 101 degree fever.

Chin up.

7 comments:

Needtsza said...

I think that entry doesn't beg questions from about 5 people. I feel lucky to be one of them.

code: gijoezz

come on, that code just rocks!

Chief Ninja Monkie said...

I would laugh, but I am afraid that you are not finding the humor in the situation yet. I think you need some more distance from it first. Sorry about the car.

PS - I got fehzco. Not as good as gijoezz, but it sounds funny.

Lori said...

Oh no.. not the car :( I'm crying for you.. stupid drivers.


but what the hell were you doing on the NJ turnpike in the first place.. you should know that alone is the kiss of death.. that should be a lesson to you.. ;)

PS brian.. that code really does rock!
Come on everyone sing along with me. A real american Hero.. GI Joe!

kershdo said...

That's just great, Now I'll have Laverne & Shirley stuck in my head all day. Damn earworms!!!

Joel said...

all the years i've known you and all the yiddish you've imparted upon me, and i've never once heard schlamazel.

Needtsza said...

....and Knowing is Half the battle!

Knowing that the toliet is going to jump up and grab your phone is one of those things we all learn.

Hey, at least you didn't piss and Then drop it in.

For all your readers, yes...after a few minutes of staring at the bowl, I went for it. Blech

Scott said...

What an f'ing Shmeckel she is! Maybe you can hope that she calls her insurance or your insurance. . . er.. I dunno. And wtf w/ the flying out the window? Don't you have a/c? c'mon....

as for previous codes...

I love it when guys gijoezz on my fehzco...

Or, i used to fehzco my GiJoezz when I was a child. ;-)

wait..my code is "aekyn".

So i'm aekyn to fehzco with my GiJoezz