Is it Illegal to Mail Myself a Box of Red Dye With a Hair Trigger Propellant?

I go places. I do things. Some of them require footwear and costumes and others require make up and TWIZZLERS. And it's not any of your business, you little white-headed snarley-faced desk troll, where or how many purchases I make. I work for a living, I earn wages, and I'll spend them as I see fit. Not everyone gets to watch Dancing with The Stars with their head on the desk and get paid for it. Just you and our current president. Just give me my package and give it to me without comment. You work for me, not the other way around. Got it?

Oh, hi. Didn't see you there. How's it going? What? Oh, that? Yeah, sorry about that, I was just practicing. You see, the time has come for me to give the "lady" at the front desk the old what for. Except I'm not sure exactly how to go about doing so. While I've grown weary of her commentary every time I get a package in the mail and the tape on said packaging often seems to be compromised, I have been reluctant to go full throttle on her. Even when she complains about my purchases to other people and rifles through my belongings. Is it wrong? Yes. A felony? Yes! But also a delicate situation. How do I best chew the ass off of a deserving someone who has access to a spare key to my home as well as all of my mail??