Sunday, May 6

Big Tree Fall Hard

Oh, to be a weeble. Those things really know how to live. While it's widely known they don't fall down, did you also realize that they don't get thrown from horses, clotheslined by prepubescent roller ninjas, or have feet to break either? Bet you didn't realize that. Lucky little plastic bastards.

I might be shaped like a weeble but let me tell you, I sure do fall down. In fact it appears to be one of the only things that I do with great fervor and regularity! Take Saturday night for instance. For some reason this little thirteen year old blonde missle on roller skates didn't bounce off of me like a raisin plinking off of a walrus as all theories of physics state that she should have (I guess they don't teach physics in WVA!?) but instead took me down and out, hardcore, like one might see in an America's Funniest Home Videos (Now With More Testicle Bashing and Elbow Obliterating Action!). I went down like a sack of potatoes hit by a ton of bricks. It was HAWT! So hot, in fact, that it's a dern good thing Donna was wearing her Depends 'cause she just about peed herself right there at three-o-clock on the roller rink.

The good news is that the orthopedist took one look at my xray and said that since my radial head break is so "clean" and "thorough" that I "likely won't need surgery". Oh and also? My cold is finally gone so I finally get outside and start enjoying spring! Hoora--- shit!!!

Here is a list of tasks that I usually take for granted and that I have thusfar discovered myself to be unable to perform due to restricted rotary movement of left arm and hand:
  • Washing of face
  • Washing of hair
  • Putting on bra
  • Biting nails of left hand
  • Biting cuticles of left hand
  • Putting hair into pony tail
  • Removing hair from ponytail
  • Cutting food with a fork/knife
  • Shaving of right pit
  • Typing with two hands
  • Driving and talking on the phone
  • Ceasing complaining
Since I am scheduled to perform some of these tasks multiple (or ongoing) times daily, I'm sure you can imagine how my abrupt physical ineptitude made for a wildly interesting morning. Not to mention that it took me three months to type this blog entry.

Yeah, um, not sure how this whole immobilization of the left arm thing is going to work out for me... I think I might just have to, you know, not participate in the prescribed program. Thanks, but no thanks. I quit being broken.

What? What do you mean I can't quit?

Scott: so you are going to be a dirty-faced yeti w/ sagging boobies?

Yes. Yes, it would appear that way. =(








7 comments:

Beakerz said...

and in comes B to the....rescue? well, a little late but at least you'll have a helping hand. and arm ;)

haveyouseenlucky said...

I want to hear more about the revenge planned for the little shit that knocked you over.

Did you at least lay a vicious chop block to the back of her knees before you left the rink?

Scott said...

:le sigh: Sorry to hear you are going to be all up in a sling for a while. I do hope you are out of the cast before I visit in like 2 months.

Maybe you could post on things you CAN do now that you have a cast.

mineIsay said...

I'll tell ya what's funny about this... I just cooked up a little scriptto count how many of the characters in your blog post SHOULD have been typed with you left hand..... ready?

1,011.

Your right hand had to make its way across the keyboard 1,011 time just to type that.

Man, that sucks :)

DaGince said...

I have been known to take care of certain issues from time to time, some of the time they deal with roller rocket boys...you know the number.

Donna said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL - Did you know that LOL can totally be done with only the right hand?

code word: fckwcp

dara said...

Oh no, that's horrible! Of course, I'm speaking as someone who broke her arm skateboarding many years ago. Feel better soon!