OrSomeone Who Loves Me Went To Florida And All I Got Was This New Avatar
So my dad and I went down to Florida for a few days to visit my grandma/his mom. She's 93 and still partying like a rock star. Seriously. Between her sonically enhanced hearing and superhuman ability to notice my lack of lipstick and overgrown backside through retinas that ceased to function during the Carter Administration, she done plumb tuckered us out. Could use a few days to recover from "vacation" but, alas, that's just not in the cards.
Some notes of potential interest:
After a multiple hour wait at the Alamo counter (thanks, Priceline, for compelling me to discover that I am capable of crying at will when necessary!) my dad slipped someone in a neon-headache inducing yellow Alamo shirt a twenty and was granted a Chrysler 300M Touring as his rental car (read: grandma toting device) for the extent of his visit. I feel that it is my duty to note that the Chrysler 300M touring has some serious design flaws. For example, there's literally no way to engage the vehicle's turn signal without turning on the cruise control. Sounds silly, I know, but check this out:
See that wand there? The wand pictured above sticking out of the steering wheel where one would expect the turn signal wand to be? Yeah, that's the cruise control wand. Not the turn signal. Very much not the turn signal. Where the hell then is the turn signal wand? Good question. Another good question would be how this car ever made it off of the drawing board.
The cruise control wand is so obtrusive, in fact, that it acts as a turn signal wand overlord and flaunts its prime steering wheel real estate at each and every opportunity in a cartoonish and outlandish manner. Even I must have accidentally hit that thing 50 times and you know how often I tend to indicate when I'm turning. Or maybe you don't. If you don't then I assure you that the rumors you haven't heard regarding my lack of turn signal display are untrue. Anyway, if you think the turn signal is difficult to find in the photo, imagine attempting to find it while on I-95 in Ft. Lauderdale where every other car is travelling at 28 mph while every other other car is outpacing Lightning McQueen.
For a little extra dose of irony, on day 2 of Florida Trip 2007, the 300M touring Chrysler ceased to signal at all. Even when one was able to reach and contort in an asana around and under their crotch to locate the signalling wand, it would not function. The turn signal (and some other unnecessary items like, oh, window function) just stopped working altogether. In the morning, Alamo sent out a tow truck and while dad and I waited for it to arrive, we chatted about all the potential replacements that might show up. Would he get a VW bug convertible? A PT Cruiser? A ten speed? A Solaris? Is a Solaris even a car or is that an Erectile Dysfunction med? Anyway, you'll never guess what showed up:
Yup, another 300M touring. Same color, same design flaws, same everything. Cause, you know, the only thing better than a piece of shit car is two piece of shit cars. Doesn't he look thrilled? But at least now we could roll down the windows (all the better to efficiently moon those going 28mph on I-95).
Car debacle behind us, we were off to do some more shopping and eating. Then shopping. Followed by some eating. Treated grandma to a mani/pedi which blissed her out. I scored some major points with that one but fear not, within 24 hours I was a worthless "spinster" once again. Oh how soon they forget. My guilt for mooning while she sat obliviously in the backseat was alleviated by a few choice Yiddish words.
Got to meet M's new and deliciously adorable baby and then we ditched the youngins and went out and tore shit up in downtown Boca.
I've got some nasty letters to write (I'm looking at you, Alamo, Spirit Air, and Priceline!) as it was over 2 hours before I was reunited with my luggage after having sat at the gate for 2 hours before take-off and nearly losing several toes to frostbite due to an unfortunate miscalculation in Florida-to-DC footwear. But all in all, it sure is nice to be home. And it appears as though I got here just in time...