Friday, January 21

Sausage McLincoln

Maryland, my Maryland, got a fraction of an inch of snow earlier this week and I'm starting to think that life will never return to normal. I've lived here for 12 years (holy crap, can that be right?!) and I am still amazed by the reaction to precipitation. Every time. Every time there is the slightest sky schvitzing; be it rain, snow, god-forbid ice, people just freak the fuck out. Every time. And, oftentimes, the mere threat of precipitation causes massive chaos rendering both streets and Safeways uninhabitable. Idiots. I'm convinced that half of beltway traffic is bottlenecking due to that "strange orange orb" in the sky.

Anyway, due to said blizzard, there was so much road salt on my car that its' gnawing it on my paintjob was actually audible. Seriously, it was drowning out the bass. Since I was too tired to make it to racquetball anyway, I decided to spend an hour driving around looking for an open carwash. Alas, I did not forsee this task taking an hour, or I wouldn't have bothered. Anyway, they were all closed. Not a carwash to be found. The bagel store in Germantown was open, which was totally on the way... pretty much... so I got me a rainbow cookie to celebrate. Life, that is.

Ok, now I know what you're thinking, "there she goes babbling like a loon again", right? Well perish the thought! Because it turns out that my adventure last night seeking the ever-elusive sub-zero carwash came in quite handy this morning. "How can that possibly be?” you ask? Well, sit tight and let Queen Bee tell you a tale. Her latest tale of woe...

I was actually up and out of the house ahead of schedule. In the morning! Unheard of. All bundled up, I reached my car in the parking lot and fumbled with the keys. Not easy with mittens (they're pink, thanks for asking). I noticed there was a guy sitting in his car next to mine, with his engine running. I also noticed egg all over his hood. Frozen splattered egg. "Poor bastard", I thought, as I gave up on the keys and pop-pop-pop keyless-entried my way in to the Lincoln. How did people exist before keyless entry? Definitely top 10 inventions of all time. Anyway, as I crunched down on the frozen leather, I looked out the windshield, this is what I saw:


(Truth be told, these pictures were taken while waiting for the heat to come on and after I'd already mopped off some of the offending embryo)

Yup, a 1/4 inch of frozen egg on top of (what now became a thick protective layer of) salt! Let me tell you, frozen egg is a bitch. It's like a whole new element. Eggnausium or some shit. The more I tried to get that stuff off of my windshield, the slimier things got. Good thing my new puffy ski jacket was also covered in a protective layer of road salt. *Sigh*.

Hang on, Lysa's on the phone. You'll be happy to know that she is officially immune.

Anyway, by the time I smeared enough of the frozen egg goop out of my field of vision to actually drive (albeit slooooowly), I was way late for work. Good thing my boss has an incredible sense of humor; e.g. (no pun intended) he offered a side of bacon to go with my car (his pun intended). 'Twas I on 270 this morning with my hazard lights on, in case anyone asks. I tooled around at 5 mph, squinting through a layer of egg muck, and hit three carwashes before I found one that was open. It was the self-serve get-your-ass-completely-drenched kind. But it did the job.

I can't wait to run into the chin-dildos whom egged up my car, and more importantly, my morning.

And we'll all float on, okay.


Lori said...

aw man i want see that picture..

since this will probably e the first and last time i check out your blog. i can't remember my own name most days :):)

Joel said...

the eggman strikes again. what a *beep*ing asshole. i would like to see these pics...

EBC3 said...

You actually said "chin dildo." Wow.... and thanks for the nod to my site (Shameless promotion~~>