Hang On A Sec, Father Sullivan, Let Me Open The Car Door For Yo-- GODDAMNIT!!!!

Remember those times in college when some particularly douchey someones would pull the fire alarm at 4am and the whole dorm had to evacuate? It was always when it was fourteen degrees outside, too. As you stood there, shivering and nearly blinded by your hatred of life, you could envision that jokey jokester somewhere nearby, rubbing his hands together and laughing maniacally over the fact that everyone had been removed from their warm beds either by the blaring alarms or forcibly thereafter by firemen. I wonder, is there any greater satisfaction for the particularly douchey than to inflict such inconvenience? (I bet that if you anonymously polled 100 TSA agents you'd find that at least 88% were former alarm-pullers. And of those, 97% are younger brothers). We all stood in a huddled mass, shivering in the courtyard, sporting jammies and bedhead, glaring at life and waiting for it to be over. There was no getting around it and if you were somewhere you weren't supposed to be ("is... is that Kims boyfriend? What's he doing here? Ooooooooooooooh!") then you and your blue legs were doing the fire drill walk of shame in your boxers in front of some 700 slackjawed residents. Oh what a joyous occasion. What could possibly make this better?

Well, not since the 4am fire drill when you inadvertantly doused yourself with your pocket sized anti-attacker mace spray has the world seen an item begging harder for self-infliction.

The award for "#1 Most Back Firable Item Of 2009" goes to:

Shock-Laser-LED key chain Take the next logical step from the buzzer ring with this electric shock 3-in-1 Car Key Remote. While it looks like the keychain remote for a nice car, in actuality it's a prank keychain that shocks you when you press the "unlock" button. It also functions as an LED flashlight and a red laser pointer.