Friday, November 7

Act One Scene One

Phone being answered indicated by clicking, thumping, and unintelligible remarks.
Silence follows.

Me: "Hello?"

a man clears his throat.

Me: "Hello, is this Mickey's Crafts?"

Dude: "That's what I said."

Me: "Oh, hi, good. Hey, I was hoping you might be able to help me with a problem?"

Dude: "*Sure*." *tone indicating he'd rather be fellated by a shark.

Me: "Ok, here's what happened: I was in there the other day and bought a whole bunch of stuff; scrapbooks, pens, markers, cards, glue. I just checked the bag of stuff and I'm missing like half of it."


Me: "Hello?"

Dude: "Yes?"

Me: "Right. So. I'm missing like half of the stuff that I bought there and I'm thinking that maybe it was in another bag that I left in the store?"


Me: "Hello?"

Dude: "You left a bag in the store?"

Me: "I'm not sure why the cashier would have been put in a separate bag, but yeah, it looks that way".


Me: "Hello?"

Dude: "What you want me to do?"

Me: "I guess can you check to see if there's a bag there? With glue sticks, double sided tape, and sharpies, please?"

Dude: "Ain't seeing no bags here, sorry."

Me: "Really, wow, that was fast. Um, I was in the other day..."

Dude: "There's no bags here."

Me: "Is there somewhere in the back you can check, maybe?"

Dude: "Sure. I'll check the back, but it ain't gunna be there neither. What did you say was in the bag again?"

Me: "Glue sticks, double-sided tape, and a whole bunch of sharpies".

Dude: "okay, glue sticks, double-sided tape, and sharpies".

Me: "Tha-

Phone beeps loudly. Angrily. Every three seconds for four minutes.

Phone being answered indicated by clicking, thumping, and unintelligible remarks. Silence follows. Then:

Me: "Hello?"

Dude: "yeah there's no bag here."

Me: "Oh. Well. That's not good. What can we do now?"


Me: "Hello?"

Dude: "Yeah lady look, there's no bag here."

Me: "Well I'm pretty sure I left it there"

Dude: "Well, tough"

Me: "How a-- wait --did you just say "tough"? "


Me: "I'd like to speak to your manager."

Dude: "I can check one more place. What's in the bag?"

Me: "Glue sticks. Double-sided tape. And sharpies".

Dude: "Okay, glue sticks, double-sided tape, sharpies".

Phone bangs on a counter. Then beeps. Every three seconds. For six maddening minutes.
Dude returns with clumsy bumps and banging of phone.

Dude: "Ok, lady, I found your bag. Popsicle sticks and Halloween books, right?"

Me: "Put your manager on the phone."


Chief Ninja Monkie said...

Fellated by shark... LMAO! Go get 'em K. Tear his shit up!

Scottie said...

I so would have had his balls in a jar on my mantle after that exchange. GET HIM!

Stop Breathingmy Air said...

listen lady, i couldn't understand a damn word you were saying because of that idiot in the background ranting about some football game. There's no reason for you to get all snotty on your blog. I found your damn Halloween Popsicle sticks so just leave me alone. Oh, and UMD called, something about one of the parking tickets i wrote you...

HaveYouSeenLucky said...

It's working now?

Burnt Couch said...

It is now 9:33. The store will be closing in

-long pause-

half-n-hour. Thank you

zandria said...

Oh, customer service. Gotta love it.

mineIsay said...

Love it! Hysterical as it is true.
Seriously.. don't they *know*?

SS said...

That was seriously hilarious. What are you doing in the number-crunching field - you should so be a humor writer. :)