Friday, November 2

CAR. NI. VORE.

After a few days of sobbing, I went to a(nother) doctor to see if there's a hormonal reason for my ongoing inability to lose weight. (Hormones are the things that carry chemical messages to all human cells, David).

Right now, I'm picking and choosing which tidbits of advice to take from my "new" endocrinologist.

Items up for debate:
  • Humans are designed to walk 15 miles daily to hunt and gather food, therefore you should be walking at least 60 minutes daily. The days you don't walk are the days you don't eat.
  • All varieties of "flesh" (be it meat, fish, or foul) are to be consumed sparingly (every two weeks or so) and in portion sizes no larger than the cup of your hand (a small plum).
  • Starches, sugars, and dairy are not to be consumed at all.
  • If you insist on having breakfast (*HA!), it should consist of one hard-boiled egg.
    • Unless you have high cholesterol, then it should consist of lettuce.
      • Which will not be a problem to fix since you are already having that for lunch and dinner.
  • An "average" sized apple is actually 2-3 servings of fruit and should be eaten sparingly, in at least two sittings.
  • Splenda is the devil's cocaine. One packet of Splenda in your coffee will result in immediate onset of terminal cirrhosis. Two packets will condemn you and your entire family to an eternity in Parsippany.
New Endocrinologist's actual brilliant scientific notions:
      • Be aware! When your body is in caloric deficit, it will do everything in it's power to set things straight, regardless of your weight. Your body doesn't know whether you've got 185lbs to lose or no weight to spare at all. All it knows is that it's supposed to get x amount of calories per day and now that it hasn't it ABSOLUTELY ADAMANTLY REQUIRES A CUPCAKE WITH EXTRA ICING RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!
(* now she says "HA"?!)

Too bad for him he looked eerily like someone I used to know, and would never take medical advice from. Poor vegan nutbag, he was doomed faster than a healthy liver getting an aspartame spongebath.

See these pointy teeth right here, doctor? That means I'm a CARNIVORE! And your fibrous ass better watch out. I'm in caloric deficit.

    9 comments:

    Madame M. said...

    I'm sure you've heard it all before, but keeping snacks like almonds and dried fruit handy are good ways to stave off the cravings if you're having a midafternoon slump.

    Good luck with your weightloss-- we all have a hard battle to wage.

    PS: Empty calories don't fool anyone.

    Chief Ninja Monkie said...

    Did someone ACTUALLY ask you the prego question?!?

    OMG! Was it me? Did I do it in a drunken stupor? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!

    Sorry...much better now. ;)

    Scott said...

    Just when ARE you going to squeeze out that little bundle of joy, huh?

    naechstehaltestelle said...

    Speaking of pregnancy, humans were also meant to have kids at the age of 14 or so and then die off by 30. Seems kind of like a sucky life, especially when you consider how much work kids are. I say, eat a damn cupcake. You're gonna live for a long time, may as well make it worthwhile.

    beamer said...

    holy shit. i missed the things you can actually eat in there. lettuce and water? i may not have people paying me for nutrition advice like this raisincake, but that is the biggest sack of crazy i've heard in a long time.

    mineIsay said...

    what an asshat!

    Anonymous said...

    http://www.webmd.com/diet/guide/how-to-drop-pound-packing-habits?ecd=wnl_wlw_110207

    good luck

    - L

    honeykbee said...

    Thanks, anonymous L! You're right, I forgot about all those pies I was eating for breakfast, that explains everything! Whew, what a relief.

    English Teacher Extraordinaire said...

    I suggest you start having the "Green Goop of Doom!!" (Patent Pending on that name) that I began having for breakfast every day. It's superfly healthy!