Beelog... asleep in life's waiting room

Total Immersion Parenting Lessons

2011-07-08T20:31:00.004-04:00

As a parent, you need your friends more than ever. All those years of friendship pre-baby were merely practice.No one else you know is parenting in the same way you are (or even remotely close), and everyone thinks each other's ways are crazy. The internet proves only that you are all correct.Getting sunscreen on a toddler is akin to flossing a crocodile. If you suspect I'm exaggerating then you

People Are Awesome

2011-06-22T11:33:00.008-04:00

The moment you've all both been waiting for has arrived! Yes, yes it's true: Beelog brings you another fabulously famous installment of "People Are Awesome"! Scouring the globe to bring you the finest spectacles of humankind and human kindness, today we present yet another feat of parking lot humanity. Curl up with a cup of coffee and behold the action-packed image below:So, here's the story:

Passive Aggression: All That Glitters

2011-04-09T23:46:00.010-04:00

Happy new year. Let's get down to business.It has been said that there are substances on Earth more vile than glitter. I beg to differ. There is simply no substance, not solid, not liquid, nor gas, more pervasive and disturbing than the tiny, shimmery shards. And I, having been covered in every bodily fluid a child can produce, often all simultaneously, know of what I attest. Glitter serves the

The Saddest Sack

2010-12-27T13:58:00.008-05:00

Not many of us sad sacks here at the office today. Just the select few who have, for one reason or another *cough* pregnancy *cough* failed to plan well and/or accumulate the requisite time off in time to flee for the week between Christmas and New Years. The peace and quiet (all but for those damn crickets) allows me time to contemplate, and even to think of others, for a change. Surely each

Beware: Lying Chocolate-esque Snack Food!

2010-10-17T22:28:00.004-04:00

"Frown Is A Four Letter Word"Um, see, no. Here's the thing. No, it's not.Allow me to demonstrate:F: one letterR: second letterO: third letterW: fourth letterN: (and here's where some people may have gotten lost, maybe they were too busy texting "DRUGS R BAD" to their BFF) fifth letterDear Mr. Cosby,Why are you preying on the jello pudding consuming public? Do you not suspect that they already

PC Fire Sale

2010-09-03T12:41:00.003-04:00

Aren't the members of our population who don't know to leave a burning building the ones that we can kinda do without anyway?

The Toilet Thank

2010-09-01T11:31:00.003-04:00

Even when I'm away I still think of you.See?

"You Give Birth In It, You Bought It"

2010-06-26T15:08:00.000-04:00

I'm laying in bed at the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City. Having spent the night romping around with my girlfriend, S., and her brother-in-law, J., and showing a roulette table or two who's boss. I managed to stay up until midnight so that I could wish my other half a happy birthday in person. Sometimes, a facebooking just won't do (says my husband. I told you he was a crazyperson).I tip-toed into the

2010-04-24T12:23:00.001-04:00

CJ

2010-04-23T15:42:00.002-04:00

...and HobbesBorn April 12, 2010, 8:14pm

Just Say No To No Drugs!

2010-03-28T13:28:00.004-04:00

Forget the fortune cookie and look out Ghandi, the next wave in spiritual resources is clearly going to be the ever-knowing pizza box:

Brain Drain Feign Sane

2010-03-18T14:49:00.003-04:00

Top of my page from yesterday's morning meeting:Where is your brain? Seriously, where is your brain?? Well, I know where it isn't... this isn't even close to yesterday's correct date! Not even in the same decade!How exactly am I supposed to go around, making fun of other people's intense and mystifying stupidity, when I can't even write down the correct day at the top of my page? Let alone the

Hurry Up And Read This, I Have To Pee

2010-03-17T20:46:00.002-04:00

Dangnabit. The dashboard readout of "71 degrees" didn't show up in the photo. Point being: can you believe these filthy, humongous, piles are still all over the DC area?Further, can you believe that I haven't posted in the better part of a month and the best I could come up with was another weather-related report??Yeah, me neither. Le sigh!It's true what they say about the unborn sucking up all

Rock out: This Just In!

2010-02-25T12:18:00.006-05:00

I have an incredible amount of sadness in my life lately and an incredible amount of work to do today, but it's all just going to have to wait.Can you see that wee-tiny font? It says 2010 album AND tour!!!* !! *This is definitely good enough for me, good enough for right now.Thank you, universe. This is a great start.

Another Entry in the "How Come No One Told Me About This" File

2010-02-24T10:46:00.001-05:00

I've spent the last THIRTEEN years residing here, South of the Mason-Dixon, searching for specific delicacies not easily nor often found south of Brooklyn. These include: edible knishes, edible bagels, edible pizza, and the true unicorn: real Italian ices.Alas! Here they were, the whole time. At Three Brothers, a localish chainish pizza-ish place.No, I didn't sample any (it's like eleven degrees

Do This Don't Do That

2010-02-23T10:54:00.001-05:00

Something that has always boggled my mind? Sign stores with really bad signs. They're everywhere. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever seen a sign store with a decent sign, let alone a good one. Isn't an eye-catching sign a basic, mission critical, function of a sign store? Well, it should be.This "Signs By Tomorrow and Beyond" sign store sign in and of itself isn't terrible. Not the best use of

New Cube-Neighbor

2010-02-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

I don't recall ever being quite so tempted to steal something as I am to take that stickypad.

Winter and Discontent

2010-02-20T13:46:00.003-05:00

Snow No

2010-02-09T15:23:00.006-05:00

By the time I was able to break free of the 8 foot (12 foot? Who can tell anymore) snow drift blocking my car in it's icy parking lot tomb, the streets were pretty much clear. Getting out of the parking lot from there was merely a matter of navigating a Hoth-like Wolfenstienian maze of snow walls, which was really quite awesome... until the dude heading straight for me failed to recognize that

Grammar Question

2010-02-04T12:38:00.003-05:00

Should it be "we ARE close for remoderlation" or "we IS close for remodelation"?English are so trickly.

Finally, Some Good News!

2010-01-27T14:57:00.005-05:00

Or maybe this is bad news?Sign noted this very morning outside of our neighborhood Starbucks.Now I have good reason to get that jogging stroller, imagine all the chow downs followed by runs with the wee one and grandpa around Goosepoop lake. I only wish they would just hurry up and put cupcakeries IN the gym and stop wasting everybody's time.

Separated at Birth?

2010-01-13T21:40:00.002-05:00

Spencer Pratt and The Syndrome.You decide:

Happy New Year, Spring Is In The Air!

2010-01-06T16:07:00.009-05:00

Aloha, ya'll (or, "you there", as the case may be). Hope you had a pleasant end to your 2009 and a very festive "two-seconding holiday"; as my mom calls New Years' Eve. We stayed home and watched the ball drop, also witnessed Dick Clark's countdown. What did you get into? Come on... you can tell me... I won't tell anyone. Pinky swear.Alas, it is with great shame in America, but great pride in

Our Little Guy

2009-12-14T16:27:00.002-05:00

If you don't talk to your cat about the perils of catnip, who will?At the very least, teach him how to roll a proper blunt.

5 Guys Burgers and

2009-12-06T11:34:00.004-05:00

Really? Really Really?!

2009-11-11T19:19:00.003-05:00

I --- I --- I don't even know what to say.

Apparently We Need a Little Christmas

2009-11-04T14:19:00.005-05:00

The photo below was taken on November 3, 2009, in downtown Bethesda, Maryland. And yes, mom, I was there for legitimate work related reasons on a weekday. Mostly.Isn't it a little early for Christmas decorations? I mean, I feel like we just went over this last October when I spied my first Valentine's window display. What's with all the season rushing? Oh the poor, pour souls out there who work

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T10:41:00.002-04:00

you creepy, creepy cookie you

2009-10-29T10:59:00.002-04:00

King Wesparkinhood

2009-10-28T11:20:00.003-04:00

Things about which I wonder:What happened to Cary Elwes? And I don't even mean the botched plastic surgery, I mean how did he go from being the romantic "As You Wish" handsome movie lead slash savior of the Princess to being an extra on Psych? Not even an extra that makes you go, "oooh! Look! It's him! The dude from the Princess Bride! I just love the way saying his name feels... Cary Elwes...

Investigation Into the Curious and Peculiar Bathroom Habits of Female Homosapians Continues. Today's Episode: The Encroacher

2009-10-14T10:44:00.012-04:00

Welcome back to our provocative and deeply disturbing series on bathroom habits. Thank you for joining us, do have a seat.In previous chapters we have visited a variety of long-standing and questionable norms, such as the insurmountable requirement that estrogen carriers visit the commode in pairs and, in episode 32, the genetically driven inability for women to leave more than three square

Good Job, Sears!

2009-10-07T09:15:00.008-04:00

Thank you, Sears! You have done a thoroughly awesome job of mucking up our entire lives! And not just because the dirty, rank dishes are piled to the light fixtures, with mere moments to spare before 100 of our closest family and friends come to town, but because I've now officially used more effort and vacation time to get absolutely nowhere with you than ever thought possible! Sears customer

Inconsiderate People Should be Shot: Exhibit 11

2009-09-30T16:45:00.004-04:00

Seriously, why? Why must you insist on polluting our shared space with your toxic, greasy fumes? How is one supposed to get any procrastinating work done while sitting under an orangey-yellow cloud dripping with fried chicken aura?Where is that you go every day for an hour (not that I mind, mind you! Please don't misunderstand! Take a 4 hour lunch for all I care!) only to come back with this

Five Dollar Foot Long Diabetes

2009-09-21T22:38:00.006-04:00

Do hope you enjoy your new year......because it's going to be your last as a non-diabetic!I mean, are you kidding me? LOOK AT THIS THING! It's a gargantuan rainbow cookie! It's the size of my anorexic friend's thigh! I'm going into insulin shock just looking at this thing!It's like the grocery store went out of its way to mock me personally and assure that I never made it anywhere near the

Your Food Does Not Smell Good

2009-09-10T17:50:00.007-04:00

Now accepting thoughts and (preferably) suggestions on how to encourage a not-so-intelligent cubemate to cease consuming aromatic lunches at our shared desk.Said cubemate, who it turns out, sadly, is as thoughtful as they are intelligent, also deems our shared office trashcan an acceptable place to store leftover odorous foodstuffs. You were out for over an hour. And you brought back lunch to

And Sure to be Topping 2009's "Hot On Amazon" List: Pedophile and Murderous Senator, Erra, Ringtones!

2009-09-02T12:40:00.002-04:00

The first 3 people to respond to this post will get something made by me. It will be about or tailored to those 3 lucky individuals.But wait! This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make! I however, will like it or it won't be sent out in the first place!- what I create will be just for

A Friendly Reminder to Follow Your Dreams; There Are No Dumb Ideas, Only Dumb Consumers

2009-01-09T15:37:00.020-05:00

Did you guys spend a little too much time testing the capacity of your cheeks over the cookie tray this holiday season? Or maybe you've been trying to coax yourself back into the gym ever since your fourth vienerschnitzel on Independence day? Well, forget all that. I hereby alleviate you of all gut-related guilt. For now -- it is time that men learned what every American woman and girl alike has

Zom-Bee

2009-01-05T15:20:00.006-05:00

Somewhere in the midst of my 34 hour Sickening, I made the mistake of deviating from my zombie-like bed-to-bathroom-back-to-bed-back-to-bathroom path in order to check my work email. Nothing like a little red exclamation point from one's boss to really put in perspective just how shitty you thought you felt before. Turns out I messed up my billing and that I was charging un-condoned overtime. On

And That's When I Knew I Was Sick

2009-01-02T23:29:00.007-05:00

It's ten am on new years' day. Upon waking to a brick sensation where my face sensation used to be, I make my weary way to my dad's sorry excuse for a bathroom, seeking a shower. Oh, the indescribable joy of knowing you are soon to be embark in a hot, hot shower after weeks of deprivation! It is a feeling akin to that of Christmas morning on your birthday at the onset of a paid 2 year hiatus (

Day Without A Gay Storm

2008-12-10T22:43:00.004-05:00

Sent on: 12/10 22:24Alert!Significant phallic-shaped storm system set to move though the DC meto region over the next 48 hours. Icy travel conditions possible as cold air swarms and filters about the gonads and gives the Capitol region the shaft on Friday. Please see enclosed map for 0utlook.The National Weather Service has issued a FLOOD WATCH for Montgomery County from 7am Thursday until

Mmmmm, Brains

2008-12-09T16:31:00.002-05:00

Fun Fact: Popped popcorn comes in two shapes: snowflake and mushroom. Movie theaters use snowflake kernels because they pop and look bigger.Plus the mushroom popcorn looks like brains.

Virginians Sure Are Crazy About Their Metro Lines

2008-12-04T22:52:00.004-05:00

"YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Silver line to Dulles, baby rrrRRRAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Find The Foreman

2008-11-29T17:54:00.004-05:00

Our favorite furry feline foreman is somewhere in this photo.Can you find him?photo cred to PapaBear

Got Time For a Short Game?

2008-11-20T20:00:00.002-05:00

Props to DaOnce and future Gince.

Act One Scene One

2008-11-07T14:24:00.011-05:00

Phone being answered indicated by clicking, thumping, and unintelligible remarks. Silence follows.Then:Me: "Hello?"a man clears his throat.PauseMe: "Hello, is this Mickey's Crafts?"Dude: "That's what I said."Me: "Oh, hi, good. Hey, I was hoping you might be able to help me with a problem?"Dude: "*Sure*." *tone indicating he'd rather be fellated by a shark.Me: "Ok, here's what happened: I was in

Road Sign Translation Snafu Proves Machines are Less Lazy Than Humans

2008-11-02T16:42:00.003-05:00

from Gizmodo What happens when you ask a guy to translate something for you into a language you don't understand? This. The top part of the sign is in English, but when they emailed someone to translate that English into Welsh, the response actually said "I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated." That's right, it's an out of office message, which

Where's The Freakin' Candy Corn?!

2008-10-29T14:44:00.005-04:00

Thank you for your patience. Due to heavy work volume, your blog may be delayed. Approximate hold time is five... four... three... two...Hey have you seen this? Of course you have! You saw it last year and the year before and the year before that! But have you received at least a dozen copies of it over the last week? Are you wondering why so many people (still) find it amusing enough to pass on

Is it Illegal to Mail Myself a Box of Red Dye With a Hair Trigger Propellant?

2008-10-08T16:47:00.004-04:00

I go places. I do things. Some of them require footwear and costumes and others require make up and TWIZZLERS. And it's not any of your business, you little white-headed snarley-faced desk troll, where or how many purchases I make. I work for a living, I earn wages, and I'll spend them as I see fit. Not everyone gets to watch Dancing with The Stars with their head on the desk and get paid for it

2008-10-03T11:27:00.002-04:00

Eye Eye, Captain

2008-09-28T16:24:00.009-04:00

Figure I was twelve years old the first time I casually picked up a Cosmopolitan (the magazine, not the drink. That happened much earlier. Badum bum.) and where I can't say that I've been an avid reader ever since, I can say that I've surely read my share of chick mags; picking up a near arsenal of tidbits regarding beauty and fashion advice, without even trying. Marie Claire, Allure, Jane

Choc It Up

2008-09-19T11:49:00.003-04:00

Nary a chocolate soldier stood up and took notice when they effed with my Chocolate Twizzler TWISTS but mess with mini-kisses on a slow news day (!?) and LOOKOUT!

The Leeches All Died

2008-09-17T14:45:00.018-04:00

That's it. Lesson learned. No more going to doctors with rhyming names for this Chiquita. I don't care how many certificates are hanging on your wall, if your name is Dr. Wilhelmina Camina, Regine Vagine, or Dr. Doctor, it all counts as rhyming and you won't be seeing me in your dingy, unsanitary offices with six foot wobbly stacks of Spanish magazines and brochures from the 1960's just waiting

The Pile of Missing Shoes

2008-09-13T16:28:00.006-04:00

The pile of shoes on the floor of my closet had gotten a little out of control. Okay, fine, a lot out of control. After spending ten minutes digging for one brown "work sandal" yesterday morning (yes, the same yesterday morning when I was tres late for work) and waking the B monster with my rumblings and cursings, something drastic had to be done. Ten minutes might not sound like a lot but it's

Come on Get Happy

2008-09-12T23:51:00.002-04:00

How can you tell when a blogger is happy? You can't. Because they disappear. For months on end.But here I am! I'm back! And having the kind of week where you point your car fob at your house's front door and are downright mystified when the door doesn't open no matter how many times you press the button. Stupid door.The invitation to my best friends' wedding arrived today and I burst into

My Bitches: Hannah

2008-09-08T12:54:00.004-04:00

Sincere congratulations out to my beloved little brother on his triumphant completion of the Pie Barrens Triathlon! Driving rain and wind gusts up to 45mph be damned!We here at Beelog are very, very proud.

Eye of the Storm

2008-09-05T23:26:00.004-04:00

Oh you weathermen and your silly newfangled weather guessing machines. Don't you know that the best way to predict a series of potentially disastrous weather occurrences is to plan two separate outdoor activities on the same day? I mean, when better to have a hurricane then the very day you chose many months ago for an outdoor bridal shower luncheon with an unbeatable view at the tip of

Browser Mashup

2008-09-02T10:37:00.005-04:00

me: i want ubiquity and i want it yesterdayDWB: lolme: seriously. make that happen. go. its stupid that it hasn't already happened.DWB: it's pretty cool. i agree. give it time. between mashup tools such as this and google's new browser things will be gettign more interesting in search landme: map to Owen Wilson's original nosemap to david's consciencesee, its not working.(good thing some

Thas A Lotta Meatballa

2008-08-20T13:22:00.002-04:00

Recession in the Bedroom

2008-08-12T20:11:00.007-04:00

It's after 8pm and I'm still at the office. That's how badly I don't want to go to the gym today.Uh oh, the air conditioning just clicked off. I wonder if they're trying to tell me something...Okay, before I go, check this out, a major frustration in my life has been illuminated eliminated. No no, we're still engaged and no, calm down, we haven't registered anywhere for family heirloom wooden

The Machatunem Trap

2008-08-08T12:11:00.005-04:00

Sure, there's been some poop. Into every life some poop must fall. Broken car windows, drowned electronics, mishaps at the drycleaner, fractured appendages. But for the most part? I'm having one kickass stellar go of things of late. Let us recap, shall we? The last four weeks have bestowed upon me not one but two diamond rings, the world's most perfect proposal, a winning trip to AC, 6 TP shows,

Monday Lesson

2008-07-28T10:35:00.002-04:00

Regardless of thinking that you're going to be using it again in a moment, it is best to always take the time to flick the knife closed on your key chain swiss army knife before putting it down.

Go Bananas on Thursday and Friday! EDIT Friday and Saturday!! You Can Still Go Bananas Thursday, But Please Not at Starbucks.

2008-07-23T14:40:00.004-04:00

This Just In, The Ravens Aren't Interesting

2008-07-22T15:43:00.004-04:00

:-O !!

2008-07-17T11:17:00.005-04:00

Well its all right, riding around in the breezeWell its all right, if you live the life you pleaseWell its all right, doing the best you canWell its all right, as long as you lend a handYou can sit around and wait for the phone to ring(at the end of the line)Waiting for someone to tell you everything(at the end of the line)Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring(at the end of the line)

And We're Off

2008-07-10T09:57:00.002-04:00

Last roadtrip of the summer to commence..... NOW!

Doesn't That Make it... A Cake?

2008-07-07T20:58:00.000-04:00

Charlotte, Maid of Clean Pores

2008-07-03T22:40:00.005-04:00

If you're thinking that my big bitchery of the week would be how I failed to get the bridal shower invites out by the first of July as promised guess what? You'd be wrong. So HA! Not only did I get those puppies out the door with (mostly) correct addresses, (largely) current naming conventions and (probably) accurate postage, but I've already had some rsvp's (pronounced: Rezz-Vip-ss). Which

2008-06-30T17:28:00.001-04:00

Virginia Gas and Other Questions

2008-06-25T22:31:00.006-04:00

Why do they spend 12 years training us as kids to turn our brains off during the summer and later expect us to grow out of it? It's summer, I'm in my 30's, and my brain is on vacation. Wherever I am, I'm really just not wholly there. While you might find this hard to believe, I find myself to be considerably more flaky than usual. This is most especially applicable at the office and every time

Too. Hot. To. Live.

2008-06-09T22:34:00.000-04:00

Don't. Want. To Live Like A Refugee...

2008-06-05T15:32:00.004-04:00

On this, the verge of the most wonderful time of the year (read: Petty Season), we're trying to learn how to live without electricity. Don't know about you and the cushy indoor plumbing that you're taking for granted right this very second but I for one have learned soooo much about power over the last 24 hours! Did you know, for instance, that it is necessary to have said resource in order to

Catalog

2008-06-01T16:46:00.005-04:00

The number of catalogs that I receive in the mail is ridiculous. It's actually well past ridiculous and safely in the realm of redankulous. I get everything from custom petite bikini catalogs to specialized turtle care magazines (neither of which being exactly relevant to my current demographic). Our poor little mailbox is often overburdened by bulky catalogs and rarely are any of these cage

4am Comes Awfully Early

2008-05-17T21:45:00.006-04:00

It's 9:44pm and in a mere 6 hours we will be out the door. Moments later, B will voluntarily hurl himself into the icy waters of the Columbia Triathlon (voluntarily!!). What happens after that is a bit unpredictable, but sure to be incredible, and immediately after all the noble feats of strength and masochism, we're catching a shower at Sherm's (or hosing off in her yard. Whichever.) then

I Made The Front Page!!!1!!

2008-05-14T10:24:00.002-04:00

...of Slickdeals, (a.k.a. my favorite mistake).Oh and you, too, can get your free Breeze litter box system, below. Hope that makes up for the late notice ice cream freebie...Enjoy!Will work for reps

Hurry To a Honery!

2008-05-13T17:14:00.008-04:00

Haagen Dazs is giving away free scoops of their Vanilla Honey Bee ice cream today and today only!Oh and they're also donating $100,000 to the University of California to address the bee population decline, which is almost as admirable as free ice cream. Especially because, ironically, Haagen Dasz (and I) will be depriving many bees of the fruits of their labor.Find your local participating HD