you creepy, creepy cookie you
Saturday, October 31
Thursday, October 29
Wednesday, October 28
King Wesparkinhood
Things about which I wonder:
That's it for now. I need to go wonder about some spreadsheets.
- What happened to Cary Elwes? And I don't even mean the botched plastic surgery, I mean how did he go from being the romantic "As You Wish" handsome movie lead slash savior of the Princess to being an extra on Psych? Not even an extra that makes you go, "oooh! Look! It's him! The dude from the Princess Bride! I just love the way saying his name feels... Cary Elwes... Cary Elwes..."! But more like, "wait, is that him? Whatshisface from the movie with Andre the Giant? No, I think it is. Really. Look! You don't think so? Okay, I'll look him up on IMDB".
How does that happen... without drugs?
- How did this guy make it through the focus groups? Maybe they were mesmerized by his fuzzy black sweater?
- Who exactly is being turned on by these Match.com commercials? I find the one where the dude proclaims his love for cheeseburgers, taps his hat and swishes around, then mashes a Hostess cupcake into his mouth to be particularly disturbing. I'm no vegan and have surely torn into more than my share of sub-par cupcakes, but come on, no one needs to see that.
- What gender is the Snuggle teddy bear? Are we talking cling-free sheets or dryer balls here?
That's it for now. I need to go wonder about some spreadsheets.
Wednesday, October 14
Investigation Into the Curious and Peculiar Bathroom Habits of Female Homosapians Continues. Today's Episode: The Encroacher
Welcome back to our provocative and deeply disturbing series on bathroom habits. Thank you for joining us, do have a seat.
In previous chapters we have visited a variety of long-standing and questionable norms, such as the insurmountable requirement that estrogen carriers visit the commode in pairs and, in episode 32, the genetically driven inability for women to leave more than three square molecules of unutilized space in medicine cabinets. Today, as our psychologically traumatic investigative series continues, we will discuss: The Encroacher.
Seen here: The Encroacher
Recently obtained photographic evidence of The Encrocher phenomenon demonstrates the preference of The Encoracher to occupy the stall immediately neighboring an already occupied stall. Note how The Encroacher appears to be completely relaxed in her native environment (and in her Doc Martins from the Spring, 1993 line), seemingly unaware of the plethora of unneighbored thrones to her avail. With eight stalls from which to choose, only a true-blooded Encroacher, as seen here, opts to mount a Swisher mere inches from the exposed butt-cheeks of a stranger.
The Encroacher, humming and oblivious to the discomfort of The Encroachee, often lives a life of social malevolence, riddled with reckless abandon; including the transmittal of phone calls while in elevators, unnecessarily parking in more than one space at a time, and storing stinky food remnants in shared office receptacles. The inconsideration of The Encroacher often knows few social boundaries.
Unfortunately for The Encroachees, studies show that few tactics prove to be successful in the permanent discouragement of The Encroacher (outside of spankings beginning in early childhood). However, in order to likely remove yourself from the occasional interaction with The Encroacher, do consider initiating a game of "footsie".
Please do join us for our next riveting episode of Investigations Into the Curious and Peculiar Bathroom Habits -- "Hand Washing, Swine Flu, And You! Yes, YOU, YOU DISGUSTING PIG!"
In previous chapters we have visited a variety of long-standing and questionable norms, such as the insurmountable requirement that estrogen carriers visit the commode in pairs and, in episode 32, the genetically driven inability for women to leave more than three square molecules of unutilized space in medicine cabinets. Today, as our psychologically traumatic investigative series continues, we will discuss: The Encroacher.
Seen here: The EncroacherRecently obtained photographic evidence of The Encrocher phenomenon demonstrates the preference of The Encoracher to occupy the stall immediately neighboring an already occupied stall. Note how The Encroacher appears to be completely relaxed in her native environment (and in her Doc Martins from the Spring, 1993 line), seemingly unaware of the plethora of unneighbored thrones to her avail. With eight stalls from which to choose, only a true-blooded Encroacher, as seen here, opts to mount a Swisher mere inches from the exposed butt-cheeks of a stranger.
The Encroacher, humming and oblivious to the discomfort of The Encroachee, often lives a life of social malevolence, riddled with reckless abandon; including the transmittal of phone calls while in elevators, unnecessarily parking in more than one space at a time, and storing stinky food remnants in shared office receptacles. The inconsideration of The Encroacher often knows few social boundaries.
Unfortunately for The Encroachees, studies show that few tactics prove to be successful in the permanent discouragement of The Encroacher (outside of spankings beginning in early childhood). However, in order to likely remove yourself from the occasional interaction with The Encroacher, do consider initiating a game of "footsie".
Please do join us for our next riveting episode of Investigations Into the Curious and Peculiar Bathroom Habits -- "Hand Washing, Swine Flu, And You! Yes, YOU, YOU DISGUSTING PIG!"
Wednesday, October 7
Good Job, Sears!
Thank you, Sears! You have done a thoroughly awesome job of mucking up our entire lives! And not just because the dirty, rank dishes are piled to the light fixtures, with mere moments to spare before 100 of our closest family and friends come to town, but because I've now officially used more effort and vacation time to get absolutely nowhere with you than ever thought possible! Sears customer service is the embodiment of what is wrong with customer service in America.
I've done the math, check this out: more effort and time has gone into dealing with Sears this month than has gone into dealing with Comcast, and our internet has been down for 5 weeks! Just when I thought no one could care less than Comcast *insert mushroom cloud fantasy*, along comes Sears. Way to go, Sears!! Thank you for restoring my faith in rockbottom! All tolled, the time we have spent waiting for Sears to show up (which they haven't) or on the phone with Sears is longer, including the 10 hours of flight time, than our entire honeymoon.
I no longer have any faith in the "confirmation" call. Originally designed to instill confidence and encourage accurate scheduling, it is now merely a device of destraction. Oh, you "guarantee" that someone will be out tonight? Well, then I'll stop yelling.
Mistake. Big, big mistake, Sears.
I've done the math, check this out: more effort and time has gone into dealing with Sears this month than has gone into dealing with Comcast, and our internet has been down for 5 weeks! Just when I thought no one could care less than Comcast *insert mushroom cloud fantasy*, along comes Sears. Way to go, Sears!! Thank you for restoring my faith in rockbottom! All tolled, the time we have spent waiting for Sears to show up (which they haven't) or on the phone with Sears is longer, including the 10 hours of flight time, than our entire honeymoon.
I no longer have any faith in the "confirmation" call. Originally designed to instill confidence and encourage accurate scheduling, it is now merely a device of destraction. Oh, you "guarantee" that someone will be out tonight? Well, then I'll stop yelling.
Mistake. Big, big mistake, Sears.
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