Inconsiderate People Should be Shot: Exhibit 11

Seriously, why? Why must you insist on polluting our shared space with your toxic, greasy fumes? How is one supposed to get any procrastinating work done while sitting under an orangey-yellow cloud dripping with fried chicken aura?

Where is that you go every day for an hour (not that I mind, mind you! Please don't misunderstand! Take a 4 hour lunch for all I care!) only to come back with this dastardly abomination to all things gastrointestinal?

Seriously, why, WHY must you make those noises as you dive into the bucket like Mario Lopez in the Greg Louganis story?

Please, please, oh horrible cubemate from the depths of idiot hell, please pull an O'Malley and stop showing up here.

Five Dollar Foot Long Diabetes

Do hope you enjoy your new year...

...because it's going to be your last as a non-diabetic!

I mean, are you kidding me? LOOK AT THIS THING! It's a gargantuan rainbow cookie! It's the size of my anorexic friend's thigh! I'm going into insulin shock just looking at this thing!

It's like the grocery store went out of its way to mock me personally and assure that I never made it anywhere near the fruit aisle.

I just can't get over this thing.

The pot of gold at the end of this thing must be angioplasty.

Safeway, you just do not play fair. So very, very unfair.

Your Food Does Not Smell Good

Now accepting thoughts and (preferably) suggestions on how to encourage a not-so-intelligent cubemate to cease consuming aromatic lunches at our shared desk.

Said cubemate, who it turns out, sadly, is as thoughtful as they are intelligent, also deems our shared office trashcan an acceptable place to store leftover odorous foodstuffs. You were out for over an hour. And you brought back lunch to eat here? Right here? What the bloody hell were you doing for that hour? Standing mid-parkway and twirling? Letting your lunch congeal in the sun?

Any and all suggestions welcome. Those involving bludgeoning, calling that "guy you know" who "can take care of things", chair bombs, and/or coughing later escalated to polite requests have already been considered.

Thank you.

And Sure to be Topping 2009's "Hot On Amazon" List: Pedophile and Murderous Senator, Erra, Ringtones!

A phone was found in the lobby. If it belongs to you, please come by my desk to get it. It is ringing to a Michael Jackson *Billie Jean* ringtone and I am unable to answer it because it requires authentication.

- N. (Front Desk Admin Chick)