Twurdered

No doubt that the world of blogging has suffered at the hands of twitter and Facebook proliferation. I know mine has. I just can't seem to justify spending more than fourteen seconds composing a macroblog when a microblog will suffice.

Good thing most of my day and events therein can be summed up in 139 character bursts. While this suits me well, my attention span running out around 145 characters, anyway, really, who has the time these days to form long-winded cognitive thoughts when bursts of self-awareness will suffice? It's like we're all turning into little Briney Spearsessess.

Holy frejole, man, this was exhausting. I probably should have warmed up and like stretched my cerebellum before attempting a full on blog post again. I think I sprained something. Do you see spots?

Been Caught Stealin'

Once
when I was 10
I enjoy stealin'
Well it's
just a
simple fact
when I want something
and
I don't wanna meow for it

well I nose right
onto your plate

nose
on
to
your plate

Hey alright
if I get by
it's a mine

mine all mine

let's go!

"Its The Little Things" Most Definitely Applies to Cupcakes

What is this? Our special plate with a bowl on top? Mismatched? Upside down? On my nightstand?

...wtf...

What is this doing here? Did Commander Kitchen leave this ensemble to annoy me? Why would Captain "dishes belong in the cabinet or the dishwasher and nowhere in betwixt shall they reside" leave an arrangement of two items so conspicuously out of there assigned lots in life? This is very strange. Very strange indeed.

...!!...

Oh! Well hello there! This must be for me! Because my fiancee is so extremely and incredibly awesome and thoughtful (with round and crunchy sprinkles on top)!! And yes, I am immediately sorry for the "captain kitchen" diatribe.

Nom

Game Over (a cop-out, not-very-creative-because-I'm-just-too-tired-to-deal-but-don't-want-you-to-think-I've-forgotten-about-you post)

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women.
Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy.

• Do something she likes and you get points.
• Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
• You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed..... +1
* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..... 0
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..... -1
* You leave the toilet seat up..... -5
* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..... 0
* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..... -1
* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom..... -2
* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..... +5
* In the snow ..... +8
* But return with beer..... -5
* And no liners..... -25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night..... 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing..... 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..... +5
* You pummel it with a six iron..... +10
* It's her cat..... -40

AT THE PARTY

* You stay by her side the entire party..... 0
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy..... -2
* Named Tiffany..... -4
* Tiffany is a dancer..... -10
* With breast implants..... -18

HER BIRTHDAY

* You remember her birthday..... 0
* You buy a card and flowers..... 0
* You take her out to dinner..... 0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..... +1
* Okay, it is a sports bar..... -2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night..... -3
* It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..... -10
* Tiffany is there.... -500

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal..... 0
* The pal is happily married..... +1
* The pal is single..... -7
* He drives a Ferrari..... -10
* With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)..... -15
* She finds out it's where Tiffany works.... -5000

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

* You take her to a movie..... +2
* You take her to a movie she likes..... +4
* You take her to a movie you hate..... +6
* You take her to a movie you like..... -2
* It's called Death Cop III..... -3
* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans..... -9
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..... -15

THE BIG QUESTION - She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

* You hesitate in responding..... -10
* You reply, "Where?"..... -35
* You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"..... -100
* Any other response..... -20

COMMUNICATION

* When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned expression..... 0
* You listen, for over 30 minutes..... +5
* You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..... +50
* You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying: "well, what do you think I should do?"..... -100
* You have fallen asleep..... -200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

* You talk..... -100
* You don't talk..... -150
* You spend time with her...... -200
* You don't spend time with her..... -500
* You seem to be enjoying yourself..... -1000

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!! :-!